werewolf, werewolves and lycans

5

Wild Country: Half Teen Scream/Half Werewolf Movie

So, let me get this straight… in Scotland, Church Youth Clubs are something… teenagers want to be in? No no, I get it. But just wait, the premise for the film gets sillier, –Kelly, the main girl in the film, gives birth, as soon as the credits are over. Then later, the priest tells her how fabulous it is that she gave the illegitimate baby to an adoptive family. Later on, this same priest drives Kelly and the rest of the youth club, –two boys and a girl, –to a remote rural location and leaves them there for the night, alone. …And somehow, we’re meant to be shocked that by teenage pregnancy? Um, duh. If this guy was a real priest, he should probably be fired. Or at least, tested for mental competency.

Shortly after they’re dropped off, the shithead father, Lee, of Kelly’s baby shows up. Again, I’m really wondering about this priest’s motives here. But it’s no big deal, because Kelly, true to the female Scot tradition, gives him a solid kick to the groin. They run into a creepy “sheep shaggin’ freak”, which is Scottish for “shepherd” FYI, who gives them the standard “you gotta perty mouth” small talk, and then he wanders off. The same freak shows up later, to watch Kelly pee, but thank goodness, Lee chases him off… and then the sheep shaggin’ freak is eaten by a barely glimpsed furry beast with sharp teeth. Back at camp, Kelly wakes up to go apologize to Lee for kicking him in the nuts, –naturally he doesn’t apologize for impregnating her. That would be -silly-. While they talk, Louise and … the other guy, not the short one, commence to fornication, as predicted, kicking the poor little guy out of the tent.

But Kelly’s heard a baby crying off in the distance, therefore, she has to investigate, and Lee takes off after her. One might say “tools” along after her. They enter an old… castle sort of place, despite the warning sign stating a danger of falling masonry. Uh… huge bricks falling from above at night, would certainly keep me out, but Kelly’s determined. They save the baby, find a dead body, and lose Lee’s mobile phone in the space of one scene. And then they explain all this to their other friends, who are obviously confused. Kelly seems pretty relaxed though, and begins feeding the baby, who promptly bites her tit. They take off to find civilization, but shortly after they take off, Mark, the smallish guy, is eaten by what we all agree is a werewolf.

Louise is scared by a bird, and promptly falls into a ditch, and breaks her arm. Naturally. Well, they’ve all agreed that staying together is safer, but they had to break up in order to deal with Louise, great prat that she is. Then of course, the werewolf shows up, so the males have to run and save her. From here, things get confusing. The guys run down to save Louise, so the werewolf goes after Kelly… so the guys go after Kelly now, and leave Louise. Then, Kelly blows up a propane lantern, and sends it rolling into the ditch. Where it kills Louise, dropping the number to three… plus the baby. They decide to make spears, go back to the castle, and find a place to hole up, –because they’d -have- to be safe hiding where the werewolf lives. It makes perfect sense.

Even though the boys pee all over its house, in order to mark their territory, the werewolf returns. So they drop a big rock on its head, then spear it to death. But another one shows up, and bites off the better half of David’s neck. Lee and Kelly take off, and in a brilliant but.. not so brilliant turn of events, they end up treed like raccoons in a moment. Well, Lee gets down, then selflessly takes off so Kelly can get away. Just when it looks like she’ll make it, with the help of a good Samaritan, that crafty werewolf hides itself inside this… really weird looking yak or something, then pops out, and bites off half of this guy’s torso. Kelly steals his four-wheeler, then runs off to the bed and breakfast, where ‘Father Steve’ is in bed with the innkeeper… who, at least, is female.

The priest, who is… an absolute moron, anyway, doesn’t believe anything Kelly tells him, and accuses her of stealing the child. Downstairs, Missy the Slutty Innkeeper is being eaten by a werewolf, and upstairs, Kelly is turning into one… and she drools too. Hot. The baby is now a puppy, or something resembling a rat, and Kelly I guess eats the priest. Good call; best thing that could have happened to him. Altogether, I liked it, –but the creature effects were really, really stupid. The monster looks like Alf, at his most terrifying, and a Muppet the rest of the time.


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annimi • March 18, 2011


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