Werewolf Movies to Avoid: Werewolf (1996)
This is a tricky one. A lot of people see the box, and say “wow, nice cover art!” and then they turn it over, and find out the film was released in 1996. And those are only the first of many mistakes that will lead those poor bastards to the inevitable point at which they press “Play” and the film begins. You’d think that, even though sure, it was the 90s, –there were plenty of good movies made in the 90s, and there’s no way this movie can be that bad. Plus, there are werewolves in it! Well, that’s where you’re wrong, guys. Sorry. The quality of film used for making this movie, is terrible; it looks as if it was bought in Russia from an old street-person’s shopping cart. And then there’s the actual story; that’s where the trouble really starts.
These archaeologists dig up a skeleton … the skeletal remains of a werewolf. And then the scientist Yuri, crazy ass that he is, uses all these bones to go around infecting people, after he discovers one of the Native Americans assisting the archaeologists on the dig, has become a werewolf. Yuri’s also kind of a big freak, –he likes the token female that the sadly infected, white guy falls in love with. And the token female is beyond bizarre; it’s almost like she’s a foreigner, pretending to be an American, who’s pretending to be a foreigner, –from Europe, somewhere. Her accent is ridiculous. There are a bunch of other random characters too; including a fat survivalist Santa Claus looking guy. Paul is infected by Yuri, and the two are forever getting into weird arguments over the token female.
Joel Estevez makes an appearance; he’s a weird relative of the Sheens and the Estevez’s. He’s Martin Sheen’s younger brother, and uncle to Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen. Confused? Yup, me too. He’s a terrible actor, either way, and the agent responsible for getting him this role should be shot. In fact, this movie was so bad, it was scooped up by Mystery Science Theater 3000, –for one of their best riffs of all time in my opinion. It occurred to me that if I didn’t tell you the ending, that you might actually be tempted to watch this movie. After I wrestled with my conscience for almost a full minute, I decided not to tell you. If you decide not to follow my advice, and go after this horrible movie, then you deserve what’s coming to you: one of the worst cinematic experiences of all time!