The Toys Santa Is Afraid Of

I’ve admitted before my weakness for things equal parts frightening and adorable. (One needs only to check my dating history for confirmation of this.) The murderous marionettes of PUPPETMASTER, the Critters, Gremlins, my collection of (bootleg?) Universal Monsters beanie babies. And I’m a big, burly dude. So if I love that kind of stuff, imagine how the FEMALE Horrorhounds are gonna feel about this new line of stuffed toys. (Yeah, I know. I’m stereotyping. But as I APPROVE of the ladies loving such frightening, fuzzy fare, and would encourage others to share the love—unless you’re a Plushie, in which case, ew! I don’t wanna know!—maybe I can be forgiven.)

ANYway, if you hurry, you can get that special morbid-minded person in your life, male OR female, one of these TERROR TEDS for Christmas. I’m digging the solid white one with the too-wide mouth and no eyes. It sorta reminds me of the Chatterer from HELLRAISER. And the one with the glass eyeballs in its furry little palms and the face that is basically a circular mouth filled with rows of teeth, kind of like a miniature Sarlaac, is pretty cool too. But the warning that the bears are “not produced for a child audience and not intended as toys.” Poppycock, I say! It all depends on the kid. I would’a curled up and slept with one of these nasty little buggers while still in preschool!

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at


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