Yes, I despaired. The visitation had robbed me of all hope. Yet that hopelessness gave me a renewed strength, as well, for when one is in all sense devoid of hope, in the grip of perfect hopelessness, what recourse has he but to abandon all to God? In my weakness was my strength. In my helplessness came my salvation.
“God above!” I prayed. “I do not pray now for you to cure me of this affliction! When before, as a child, my prayers went unanswered, I accepted it as something I deserved, perhaps, believing less in You than in the gods of my people, a people who accepted curses as one’s fate, unavoidable and unalterable, even by gods! Then as I grew older and grew stronger in my belief of You, I recalled the words of Your Apostle, Paul, suffering from his own affliction, who sought to have the thorn of suffering removed from his flesh, only to hear You reply: ‘My grace is sufficient for thee.’ So I tried to accept my own affliction, hopeful of the promise of grace.
“But it is not for myself that I now petition you, O Lord, but for others, other of your children, who must suffer by my hand if You do not hearken to me! The Apostle wrote, even in the midst of his suffering: ‘God is not mocked.’ I say to You that my continued existence, this thing that I am, is a mockery of You! If I destroy one more innocent life, is that not a mockery of You? I, who has claimed You now as my own God, who bears now the name of Christopher in Your honor, if I am used as a tool of the destroyer to maim and to kill others whom also have claimed You, how is that not a mockery of You?
“I do not pray for myself! I do not beg for a cure to my affliction! I pray only for strength. You shut the mouths of the lions in their pit to spare the prophet Daniel. Will You not shut the mouth of the werewolf, that Your strength will be revealed? Grant me a portion of Your strength, my Lord, just this one time! Strength to restrain the beast, to hold it in check! I, who cannot restrain myself, beseech you! Let all who will see it say that it was the might of God that accomplished this thing! Let none deny that God has acted! God and Father, do not let me kill!”