Soapin’ With Sasquatch
I’m a little confused. Was this soap designed for use by Sasquatch? Firsthand accounts from numerous eyewitness encounters allege that Bigfoot is stinky. This is only to be expected. Bigfoot is an animal. With lots of hair. And it lives outside exclusively. In the elements. There’s no way it would NOT smell. It’s only natural. Unless you subscribe to the theory that Sasquatch is really a paranormal entity, able to appear and disappear at will, and possibly even shapeshift. (I confess that I hold to this theory as the correct one.) OTHER firsthand accounts from numerous OTHER eyewitness encounters with such paranormal entities report a terrible smell, far worse than just the odor of a wet animal. The stench of brimstone, perhaps? Whichever theory you subscribe to, it looks like Bigfoot smells not a-too good. Is this soap supposed to help with that?
Yeah, okay, it’s just soap. Designed for people and not Sasquatch. “Makes you smell better than Bigfoot,” the ad suggests. “Bigfoot Soap is the perfect thing to clean up with after a long day of searching for Bigfoot. As you wander the forests and have near run-ins with Bigfoot, you’ll figure out quickly that he’s stinky. It’s pretty ironic that he has his own soap brand, but his PR team is trying to change his image and this is the first step.” Yes, it’s just soap. But it has Bigfoot’s profile carved into it and it’s called “Bigfoot Soap.” What else do we really need to make us want to buy a bar or two?
WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (www.evilcheezproductions.blogspot.com, www.facebook.com/evilcheezproductions), specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/734763
MORTUI VELOCES SUNT!