Satanic Panic at Outback Steakhouse

One might think that the coming of the Internet would have stamped out the phenomenon of the urban legend. With the sum total of all knowledge, covering the sum total of human existence and the entire history of the universe, as much as it is known, literally right at out fingertips, surely ignorance would find no fertile ground in which to grow. You might think it–but you’d be wrong. Find any news thread on any topic anywhere on the Internet and read the comments, and then you’ll understand: people are stupid. Like, really stupid. Like, really, really stupid.

People were stupid back in the 80s, too, but back then they had a LITTLE more of an excuse. They didn’t have fact-check websites to properly investigate outlandish claims. That’s why, or largely why, the “Satanic Panic” was able to propagate. Heavy Metal albums, if you played them backwards, contained brainwashing secret messages from Satanists. Major corporations like McDonald’s were secretly run by Satanists. There were subliminal messages inserted into children’s cartoons by Satanists. Child ritual abuse by Satanists happened in every other house on every other street in the country. The world was flat-out lousy with Satanists back then. (I’m sure real Satanists found all this nonsense hysterical.)

Those imaginary Satanists are still with us, and still up to their old imaginary tricks. Did you know that they’re secretly running the Outback Steakhouse franchise? It’s true! (Okay, no it isn’t, but play along. It’s fun.) If you look at a map detailing locations of Outback Steakhouse restaurants, they form pentagrams! (Okay, no they don’t; they actually form pentANGLES, which is the star without the circle, and not the same symbol, and even if they DID form pentagrams, the tip of the star pointed upwards is meant to convey positivity, and the pentagram is not really a satanic symbol to begin with, but come on, a little suspension of disbelief, here!)

We all know, though, that werewolves see the sign of the pentagram on their next victims. That means that any werewolf using Google earth–is gonna have a big damn area to scour for its victims, honestly. At least it can use those Outback Steakhouses as reference points.

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at


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