Reports from the First Annual Alabama Bigfoot Conference: Paul’s Story, Part Two

This one had me laughing hard, as it did most of the folks in attendance. Paul Hulsey had been pestered by his guy he knew for a long time, the latter wanting to “see a Bigfoot.” At last Paul gave in and took this guy camping with him, to a spot where Paul had previously encountered two creatures he has affectionately dubbed Bert and Ernie. The two men settled down, building a small fire, and at length Paul saw the two familiar silhouettes, two lumbering patches of greater darkness amidst the darkness of the Alabama woods. “Who’s that?” his friend asked. “Not ‘who,’” Paul answered him. “But ‘what.’” At this point, his friend, a guy standing well over six feet tall and weighing well over 200 pounds, panics. “We gotta get outta here!” he bellows, starts trying to extinguish the fire, and convinces Paul to leave.

“They’re following us!” the guy keeps saying all the trek back out of the woods, with Paul trying to keep him quiet. The guy gets hold of Paul’s flashlight and shines it behind them. Paul said that the beam hit one of the Bigfoots right in the face and the creature threw up a hand to cover its face. Paul’s buddy then proceeded to vomit and pass out. Paul had to hoist the guy in a fireman’s-carry and haul his dead weight out of the woods.

Awake by the time they got back to Paul’s truck, the guy sees the two Bigfoots in the red glare of the brake lights when Paul starts the truck—and pisses all over himself and the seat of Paul’s new truck.

After they’d gotten back to civilization, the guy asks, all excited, “When we gonna go back?!” As there are kids possibly reading this, I won’t post what Paul actually said in reply, but you can probably figure it out.

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at


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