Raped By A Yeti

I remember even as a small boy, when I ordered a book on cryptids from one of those through-the-schools book clubs (Y’all remember those?), how distasteful I found it when I read the accounts of the demise of the infamous “Minnesota Iceman.” This woman claimed that she shot the creature after it sexually assaulted her. As this was in a children’s book, the writer was really careful with how he phrased things, but the gist of it was clear. I didn’t like that one of my beloved cryptids was being slandered. (That account, by the way, is almost a guaranteed fabrication.)

Here’s one of a similar sort. It too is guaranteed to be fictitious, coming as it does from a satire site. According to the account, 28-year-old Jason Barclay was on an expedition in the Himalayas when a Yeti tore apart his tent and then attempted to do the nasty with him. “I thought I was going to die, so I played dead…[the creature] flipped my body around and then I could see his face in the darkness. It looked deeply into my eyes. It had the face of an orangutan or some sort of ape… It ejaculated all over my hair and the back of my head and ran out of the tent. I can still remember the horrible salty taste of its semen. It’s the worst taste ever…” Taken as a joke I suppose it’s innocuous enough. But I still don’t like the libeling of cryptids.

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at


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