werewolf, werewolves and lycans

5

NetFlix Retro-Review: Monster Dog 1985

I have been meaning to start this series of reviews for a while… NetFlix ‘Watch Instantly’ really keeps me busy, and they have a section just for old werewolf movies. I figured, for the rest of the NetFlix subscribers that are wary of digging deep into the recesses of the horror section, I might do some of the work for em. So here I am, watching ‘Monster Dog’. I was drawn to this one first for purely selfish reasons, –I love Alice Cooper, and he happens to be in the cast. I say ‘happens to be’ because Alice Cooper, while being one hell of a stage man, was never really meant for the screen. Therefore, his leading role had to be an accident. Ten minutes in, and he already sounds like one of the actors in Troll 2, –as uncomfortable as possible to be in a movie.

Basically, it’s about a band of rockers, led by frontman ‘Vincent Raven’ also, Vince Roberts, (Alice Cooper), who runs into a ‘monster dog’. Vince returns to his hometown to shoot a video, where dogs of all shapes and sizes are running around killing people. Shortly after they arrive, Vince is warned by the cops, who die, then they kill a dog… half with their van/half with the rock that Vince uses for some primitive euthanization. They’re warned again by a crazy man who looks like he got in a fight with a rabid possum, who runs off… they go looking for the crazy old man, and instead, find a mutated werewolf/dog thing that belches at them. They continue on towards Vince’s home, though his groupies are slightly more hysterical than usual.

Despite being unable to find their host ‘Joss’, the ominous warnings of being in danger from a blond, anorexic groupie, and portentous black and white pornography featuring grizzled old men on the walls, –the group decides to stay for a while. Anorexic groupie Angela, has a dream in which the entire band, except her, is dead, and Vince is a werewolf. They all laugh it off later, but Vince looks pretty serious, so evidently, the possibility that he might be a werewolf has occurred to him? A groupie with huge hair and a big pink sweater, calls bullshit, and while I’m inclined to agree, Vince explains that his father suffered from a disease (bullshit) that caused him to basically, turn into a werewolf. The townspeople set him on fire for killing their pets.

Apparently, the threat of a werewolf is among them. If I were them, I’d probably start interrogating the hideous brunette groupie; she looks like a Morlock. They begin shooting the video, which is all ominous and creepy… you know, like all the Alice Cooper videos. While Angela wanders through the shot, the old caretaker, Joss, falls through the window on her. Which is odd, because he’s been up there for like… two days now. While they investigate, Angela wanders off outside; Vince takes off to find her… with a shotgun. I guess Vince thinks Angela’s the werewolf, and plans to cap her because she can kill anyone else! But while Vince is out looking for Angela, a bunch of rednecks show up to kill Vince, because they think he’s the werewolf!

The band full of idiots invite the rednecks in; meanwhile, Vince is still looking around in the desert for Angela. Naturally, the rednecks immediately take over, and hold the guns on the idiot band members and groupies. The head hillbilly’s logic is that Vince controls the dogs, –but the other groupie, saw the mutant dog thing while she was with Vince, –so it can’t be him. Right? Vince and Angela get back to find a big surprise waiting for them, –head hillbilly actually ends up shooting poor Angela. Vince leads three rednecks on a chase, while one stays behind to kill the rest of the band members; that doesn’t work out. But while the hillbillies and Vince are outside playing cowboys and Indians, the dogs have gotten inside the house and are eating one of the guys.

Shortly after, the dogs settled back into basically benign bewilderment, –I almost feel sorry for them, –and a nasty oozy werewolf -thing- shows up at the door. One brave guy stays behind to …be eaten, while the women are chased by dogs upstairs. Vince rescues them at the last minute, but the hideous groupie, ‘Mary-Lou’ is freaking out and blaming Vince… who for some reason, is still in costume. They manage to drive off after a round of “keys, keys, who has the keys?”, but of course, the monster is in the car and has killed Mary-Lou. We’re down to one groupie, and Vince now. Sandra the groupie, jumps from the car, and Vince and the werewolf drive off into the sunset. Actually, Vince crashes the car, but the werewolf bit him, and though he begs Sandra to shoot him… she stands there instead. And the transformation scenes is pretty god damn gruesome.

After some hysterical crying and waving of the arms, Sandra stumbles off into the credits, and hopefully some good psychiatric help. Altogether, I have to say, as old werewolf movies go, it’s definitely not the worst I’ve ever seen, and it has some merit for sure, –it’s also pretty damn funny in some bits. So if you get bored, and are sifting through the relics of your Watch Instantly tab, head for Horror, and Werewolves. There, you’ll find ‘Monster Dog’, and you’ll get a chance to see Alice Cooper turn really, really ugly.


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annimi • March 15, 2011


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