Man Cooked, Butchered, Added to Cans of Tuna

People surprise and disappoint. Happens all the time. In particular, I’m referring to how often a person I know, a person I know to be intelligent and educated, will admit, usually by sharing it on social media, their thickheaded-ness by their believing in something that is so obviously false that your average five-year-old should know better than to accept. Usually this happens because of the confirmation bias and involves politics. People will often believe ANYthing, no matter how ridiculous, if it confirms an opinion they already hold to. (Obama putting old people in death camps, for example. Remember that one?) Sometimes, though, it involves urban legends. There are things that pop up on the Internet that, you would think, no intelligent person would need Snopes to inform them are not true. Case in point: this report that two workers accidentally killed, cooked, and canned a coworker. From the article: “Monday, Bumble Bee Foods and 2 employees were charged by Los Angeles prosecutors with violating safety regulations in the death of a worker who was cooked in an industrial oven with tons of tuna. José Melena was performing maintenance in a 35 foot long oven at the company’s Santa Fe Springs plant when coworkers loaded it with 12,000 pounds of canned tuna and turned it on.” The victim then got canned. (Ba-dum-bump! Insert cymbal sound.)

Of course it isn’t true. You gotta be careful, though, as this article is presented with all the appearance of legitimacy. Makes me wonder, though, what if it HAD been true? What if the coworkers hadn’t reported the accident, afraid of getting in trouble, and the cans of cooked human (packaged in either natural spring water or vegetable oil) had found their way to store shelves. From there, the Horror nut in me takes over. Hapless consumer makes a sandwich out of the canned human, develops a taste for human flesh that nothing can quench, resorts to killing to obtain his subsequent meals. I’d go see that movie.

Sorry, Charlie!

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (www.evilcheezproductions.blogspot.com, www.facebook.com/evilcheezproductions), specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/734763 MORTUI VELOCES SUNT!

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