To quote from “Foolin’,” that song from Def Leppard, “Is anybody out there? Anybody there? Does anybody wonder? Anybody care?” I’m writing this in reference to our recent contest, a contest stillborn if ever there was one. We here at and had teamed-up to offer some witty vampire and/or werewolf mark the chance to win some cool swag, specifically a or T-shirt. All that was necessary to win was to provide an appropriately funny answer to the following question: Would Donald Trump be a vampire or a werewolf? (If he were going to be one or the other, it is implied, not that we’re saying he already IS.) It was a silly question meant to elicit some silly responses. Just a bit of fun. The most original or humorous response, as judged by us, would win. Simple, right?

Nobody bothered. All we got was two guys arguing with each other over politics, and one guy complaining that we didn’t go with Hillary as the subject of the game instead of Trump. (In point of fact, if the Trump thing had been a hit, we’d already planned a second one, with Hillary as the subject.) That’s it. Three people, offering not entries to our contest but typical (and by this point extremely played-out) political bickering. Oh, and we did have one person suggest that Trump would be a zombie, with prerequisite dig at the other political party. Maybe this guy felt he might win by being the ONLY player to follow the rules of the contest. Sorry, amigo, but you technically DIDN’T, as zombies weren’t one of the options presented. And, hate to say it, you’re response wasn’t all that funny, which was also a requirement. Thanks for playing, though. Much love and all that.

What we are left to conclude, then, is that either nobody out there anywhere could come up with any appropriately witty and comical responses, or else nobody wants to win free swag. I find both suggestions hard to believe. Say it ain’t so, y’all! We’ve still got a T-shirt with your name on it! All you gotta do is make us laugh, for petesakes!

Is anybody out there? Anybody there? Does anybody wonder? Anybody care?

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at


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