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Half Moon (2011) Sounds Like It Sucks

But in a funny way. Remember, the werewolf movie with the pornstar actress? It sounds like one of those “so stupid it’s funny” movies, from the recent film review it’s had. Personally, that just recommends it more to me. I love goofy horror movies, and it’s always been evident to pretty much anyone who has ever seen a horror movie of any kind, that the sexier the actress, the worse the acting… it’s practically a scientific formula. One you could measure the universe with; it’s more solid than the formula for the speed of light. Sexy woman =horrible actress. Sure, there are hot actresses, but this is a horror movie formula, it doesn’t work for dramas and those pansy romance movies. Anyway, the best review I’ve seen so far, as in, the one that made me crack up the most, says that the only decent person in the whole film, is the pimp.

If you haven’t seen the movie yet, then don’t read this, because there are SPOILERS herein! I saved the ending for those of you who still want to see the movie after this review, –I know I can’t wait, –and if you want to finish reading the spoiler-filled review, you can find the rest of the review on HorrorYearbook:

Half Moon tells the story of a city gripped with fear because of a man killing prostitutes. When down on her luck prostitute Rose (Shellie Chapman aka Tori Black) goes to a hotel to meet a man who seems like the perfect guy things soon change and she suspects he could be the killer …or worse a Werewolf!

Above is the synopsis of Half Moon as taken from IMDb.com. The only thing that is true is the word “prostitute”. While we are told by Rose’s pimp who, for the record, is the only decent character in the film, that one of his girls had been killed and he was establishing a new set of rules. A friend of Rose’s who is not under the thumb of a pimp, gets busted by the cops and leaves her cell phone behind. She takes a call to go see a John who will pay her $3000 just to keep him company. The John, whose name is Jacob, might be a werewolf. Having said that, this movie has no werewolves.

We actually sit through Rose and Jacob’s “date” in real time. They have dinner, make small talk and, after Rose begs him to, they have sex. The hooker in this movie does not have to have sex to get paid, yet she insists upon it. So far, the lack of a plot is giving me a headache. After they have sex, she walks into the bathroom and finds tranquilizers, cocaine, rope and a gun. Rose assumes Jacob is the killer and injects him with the tranquilizer, then sits in the room and waits for him to wake up. Go back and read that last sentence again. I love horror movies. I love the cliches and the stupid actions of the lead girl. But it still makes no sense for her to wait for the killer to wake up. Even worse, she calls her pimp and tells him to come help her with a man that she knocked out and still has not gotten any money from. Naturally, he comes to the hotel and punches Rose in the stomach. His pimp hand is strong, but his hatred of bull shit is stronger. The pimp decides to get his tools and break into Jacob’s hotel safe. He leaves for thirty minutes. I’m not a criminal mastermind, but I think if I’m going to own tools so the purpose of breaking into hotel safes, I would take them with me when I went to a hotel. Yet he clearly drives all the way back to his apartment to get them…

Like I said, I can’t post the rest, without feeling really bad for ruining the movie for you guys. But the review was hilarious; to my own credit, I really didn’t expect a hell of a lot from Half Moon. A porn star is an actress with a talent for making guys believe that she’s having the time of her life, –for her to cross over to horror movies is a big change. Sure, screaming is involved in both film genres, but with different facial expressions. The creature-effects are also pretty bad, according to the review, and the ending is supposed to be pretty ambiguous, but there’s a great scene where the pimp supposedly beats the crap out of this hooker, –for no real reason, –and it’s supposed to be ‘American History X’ quality ass-kickery. Altogether, I’m still interested, and will review it for those of you who love a good campy horror flick when I finally find a DVD copy.

3 replies on “Half Moon (2011) Sounds Like It Sucks”

Isn’t porn supposed to suck in acting though. That is not why people buy it, I can see why people would use porn stars in TV but never actually movies. On tv all you have to do is read from a prompter.

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