Go to Hell

There is a mansion in Vancouver, British Columbia that has a portal to Hell inside it. But a court has ruled that this isn’t a good enough reason for the purchaser of the property to get her money back. The hell you say! Quoting a local real estate executive: “Portals to hell are a niche feature, it’s true. They’re more popular with…millennials, but unfortunately tend to open when the wealthy make pacts with demons and are therefore mostly found in expensive homes, which millennials can’t afford. So we’re seeing a glut of very high end homes with hell portals on the market.” Buyer beware.

You might find it interesting to know that “Hell” is a pagan concept, borrowed from the Vikings. The heads of any super-evangelical Christians who might happen to read this just exploded, but “Hell” isn’t biblical. Anytime you see the word in the Bible, it’s a translation. Either the reference is to Hades, the underworld of Greek mythology, or to the primitive Jewish underworld Sheol. And when Jesus talked about Hell, He was in most cases talking about an actual physical location, the valley of Gehenna just outside Jerusalem, where the ancient Hebrews who had abandoned monotheism had committed human sacrifice. The land was thus seen as tainted or cursed and fit only to be used as a garbage dump. Still not someplace one would want to end up, granted.

If one were to step through the portal to Hell in that house in Canada, would he find himself in modern-day Israel? I hear there are housing developments there now.

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at


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