Fireside Chats: In Praise of the Neckbeard

During the two months+ I spent in lockdown I found it unnecessary to groom. The only places I went were the grocery store, when necessary, which was just a quick in and out; the drive-in movie theater, wherein I remained in my car, with the same being true of a couple of drive-in church services I attended; and outside locations wherein—or where*out*—I would have had my hat on anyway. (Sunburned scalps suck and are to be avoided at all costs, says the voice of shaven-headed experience.) I did find it necessary, however, after the first couple of weeks, to shave my neckbeard. It was itching and driving me crazy. Neckbeards are bad, and not just because they are status symbols for those with poor hygiene. (Note: I continued to take showers during quarantine; I just stopped shaving.)

Science saysScience says that beards are good, though. Even neckbeards. Maybe especially neckbeards. From the linked article: “‘…having a full beard may help protect vulnerable regions of the facial skeleton from damaging strikes, such as the jaw.’ Beards may equally protect against cuts and other injuries…The ‘protective nature’ of beards may give men a competitive edge, which could explain why facial hair is linked to ‘high masculinity, social dominance and behavioural aggressiveness’…Some experts have claimed beards may play a similar role to a lion’s mane, which is thought to protect its jaw and throat from attacks.” That last part makes the most sense to me, as men had beards long before our australopithecine ancestors learned to throw punches. Those same ancestors did, however, have teeth. And exposed throats are a natural, instinct-driven target.

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at


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