Fake Phalluses Open the Devil’s Doorway!

Y’all bear with me on this one. It was just too good not to share, and I expect most of you will find it as entertaining as I did. Did you know that if you are a female and you masturbate, you are opening a portal to the underworld, through which demons aplenty can enter the world—and YOU! Now you might be wondering why they would need to enter you if they are essence emanating OUT of you. Don’t ask me. I’m sure “Christian” author (note the use of italics) Mack Major (Come on, now. That CAN’T be this doofus’s real name!) could explain it to you. “Masturbation is a direct path to Satan. There is nothing normal about it,” says the nincompoop. “Whether you want to accept it as fact or not: those sex toys are an open portal between the demonic realm and your own life.” Ignoring his incorrect use of a colon in place of a comma, this schlep CAN’T be for real, can he? Surely this is a prank.

I wouldn’t bet on it, though. At least we can be thankful that this kind of misogynistic stupidity today takes on such a relatively innocuous and mockable form. This is the same kind of thinking, though, that fueled the Inquisition and about a gazillion witch hunts, where most of the victims were women. The demonizing of female genitalia and female sexual urges goes WAY back, and it survives to this day in the minds of the moronic.

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at


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