Cannibalism Cures Diabetes and Depression
Man, all this conflicting information! There was that report a few weeks back wherein scientists postulated that human flesh wasn’t all that nutritious. Then there are all those reports about prions and Mad Cow Disease-like ailments that can result from cannibalizing one’s own kind. It would seem that the consensus was that anthropophagy wasn’t good for you. Now, though, there’s this. Three men in Vernal Heights, Florida, Dennis Ratcliff (age 51), Michael Dore (age 36), and William Provost (age 62) were arrested for practicing cannibalism—and for playing ENYA too loud and annoying their neighbors.
Said Ratcliff, when asked why he’d been killing and eating homeless drifters: “I find human flesh to be the only thing that cures my type-2 diabetes and chronic depression. If expensive pharmaceutical drugs helped, I would figure out a way to obtain them, but they don’t, so I stick to what works for me.” So there you go. As I myself suffer from both depression and type-2 diabetes, I should maybe find this discovery of a cure to be good news. I can’t say I fancy the idea of eating anybody, though.
Doesn’t the guy in the picture look like Jim Carrey on meth? And the one on the right looks like one of the Darryls of Larry, Darryl, and Darryl fame. But if it’s the same guy, what happened to Larry and his other brother Darryl? Were they eaten? Say it ain’t so!
(And yes, friends, in case you were wondering, this is a satirical piece. In other words, no, it isn’t true.)