Badass Beast

Its name was SIMBAKUBWA KUTOKAAFRIKA. And it was Scary. As. F#ck. All that is required is a little imagination. Picture yourself alone, outside somewhere. Out camping maybe. Or hunting. Or maybe you were in a small-engine aircraft that had to make an emergency landing out on the veldt. You are unarmed, and to survive requires that you walk to find help. You hear the cracking of a stick beneath some immense weight. You turn and see this creature staring you down. It is larger than any carnivore alive today. Bigger than a lion or tiger. Bigger even than a polar bear. It is MASSIVE, with a head the size of a rhinoceros’s. You have zero chance of avoiding being torn apart and eaten. Zero.

The creature was a Hyaenodont, belonging to the order of the first mammalian carnivores in Africa. These monsters replaced the dinosaurs at the top of the food chain. The bones of SIMBAKUBWA KUTOKAAFRIKA, largest of the Hyaenodonts, were unearthed in Kenya decades ago, but they sat in a drawer at the National Museums of Kenya until recently when they were rediscovered. The remains include most of the animal’s jaw, portions of its skull, and a few other bones. And teeth. Lots of big teeth. The better to eat you with, my dear.

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at MORTUI VELOCES SUNT!

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