Armie the Cannibal

Where it comes to celebrity gossip, this bit about Armie Hammer is too good to be true. It all sounds like something the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS would make up (Anybody remember them? The most egregiously outrageous of the checkout aisle tabloids, no longer in print?) but it seems there might be some meat to it, excuse the pun.

Hammer got outted after some private messages he sent turned out to be not so private after all. He split with his ex, Elizabeth Chambers, after he allegedly sent her a sexually suggestive message he had intended for a different woman. Oopsies!

It hasn’t been proven that the “cannibal” texts that have been “leaked” to the press are authentic. We should make note of this before we quote them. Which we will do, because they’re interesting and because we deal with anthropophagy on this site. “I am 100 per cent a cannibal. I want to eat you,” one of the messages says. Another states: “I need to drink your blood.” And another: “If I wanted to cut off one of your toes and keep it with me in my pocket, so I always had a piece of you in my possession.”

So *if* these messages are for realz, is the guy serious, or is this just some silly roleplaying? As someone who on the regular is in contact with roleplayers who like to pretend that they’re werewolves or vampires, I can assure you that such folks take their fantasies very seriously. Only a tiny percentage ever make those fantasies anything other than make-believe.

More troubling than the “cannibalism” talk are the allegations accusing Hammer of rape and violent assault. Again it bears repeating that nothing has been proven in a Court of Law, but it has been officially confirmed that Hammer *is* the subject of a current criminal investigation, so the authorities at least are taking these accusations seriously.

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at


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