Are Werewolves Democrats?
Well, they might not be democrats now, but they’re definitely under pressure to choose from one of the two major political parties now that the democrats are beginning to reach out to the werewolf population. As far as vampires go, there’s probably a good chance that if the werewolves choose the Democratic party, the vampires will affiliate with the Republicans. After all, hairy, backwoods ball-lickers belong with their own kind, –just like baby-eating, soul-stealing blood drinkers belong with their own kind.
By the way, did I happen to mention that this is all in the sort of fictional, fairy tale news world of Glossey News? I love parody news stories, especially when werewolves are involved. Glossey News reports:
“Speaker Pelosi this week followed triumph with triumph, again displaying her political acumen by securing the coveted Werewolf vote. The move stunned even Pelosi’s harshest critics speechless, shaking their heads in grudging admiration.
A visibly euphoric Pelosi introduced Larry Talbot to reporters at her tastefully decorated offices, and wisely stepped back from the spotlight, savoring yet another victory. Mr. Talbot, chairman of the Lycanthrope Support Network put a decidedly ‘middle America’ face on the usually apolitical Werewolf community.
“First of all, we’re not ‘Werewolves’ all right? We’re Lycanthropes; we suffer from an affliction we didn’t ask for. Calling us Werewolves is about as irresponsible as calling the Partridge Family a band. Although, that ‘I think I love you’ was a really good tune, gotta admit. So please stop calling us Werewolves, would you?”
Talbot went on to explain the LSN has joined politics and agreed the move is unprecedented but warranted in these tumultuous times. “We’re Americans too; people forget that sometimes. Except during the full moon, we’re just like everybody else. And we’re concerned about the direction this country is headed. At every turn, Democrats are being demonized when it should be a debate on issues. You want to know how it feels to be demonized, ask a Were— Lycanthrope.”
The LSN chairman delivered a press conference later termed ‘stunning’ by those at DC’s “Make it look like a Business expense” bistro. He answered all questions directly and articulately. Mr. Talbot, an Akron Ohio plumber, told reporters “Only the Democrats display any sanity regarding gun policy, so we have to support them. Yes, the Second Amendment and all that, but the GOP is in the hip pocket of the NRA. This country needs a sensible gun regulation policy. Can’t have people wandering around the woods at night, willy-nilly with loaded firearms; it’s crazy and dangerous.”
Political insiders were quick to laud Pelosi’s coup as shrewd on multiple levels. CNN’s Anderson Cooper said, “Old broad nailed it again, didn’t she? Balanced the growing Vampire influence with Werewolves. Good job there. She’s not intimidated by the coming mid-term elections; she’s building.”
Not all were so eager to compliment Pelosi. Former Alaskan Governor Palin posted on her Facebook page, “Let the Dems go around pandering for every special interest vote. Republicans don’t need Vampires or Werewolves to take our country back. We can be scary without any help!”
Warren Zevon could not be reached for comment, because he’s dead.”
That part about the Republicans is true enough, but what about Warren Zevon? Surely his corpse has something to say on the subject? Well, maybe he would have said what he did at the end of Werewolves of London:
“Let’s draw blood!”