ABC Attack—Not

This. This right here is why we can’t have nice things.

When a credible sighting of an ABC (an Alien Big Cat, or a big cat in some place where a big cat ought not to be) occurs, the mainstream is always skeptical. Scientists dismiss it out of hand. And it’s because of assclowns like this dude Rickey Wesley Lynch of South Carolina. He claimed he was attacked by a large black panther. It was a lie, and Lynch promptly confessed as much. He was arrested for filing a false police report. The reason *why” he lied about the tack is unknown. Other than the possible explanation that he’s a dumbass.

Science says there are no black panthers in South Carolina, or in the continental Unites States, outside of zoos or private enclosures. The reason for this is twofold. “Panther” is a catchall term for any of several species of large cat; it is not a species itself. Black panthers are really black leopards or black jaguars (or costumed superheroes), and neither leopards nor jaguars are native to the US. The only big cat that is native to the US, the cougar, doesn’t come in black. What are the many, many witnesses who report sightings of black panthers really seeing, then? They can’t *all* be lying nitwits.

By The Evil Cheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase at


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.