werewolf, werewolves and lycans

A Plea for the Summary Execution of Movie Critics

Friends, you have it within your power. I stand as a victorious gladiator, hand held high, thumb pointed downward, asking for your support. The time has come to kill the critics. Metaphorically. Is this somewhat hypocritical, seeing as how I’m a guy who gets paid to write movie reviews? Nope. Because I am the evolution of the critic. It is the inferior version, the outdated version, the evolutionary dead end for which I am calling for the termination. Only geeks qualify to critique genre work. Rotten Tomatoes has got to die. It WILL die if you all ignore it. It will wither away and crumble to ashes, blow away in the breeze.

You will find no better or egregious example of the uselessness of Rotten Tomatoes than VENOM. The mainstream critics HATED the movie. Audiences LOVE it. I honestly have not had a better time at the movies this year, and neither, it would seem, had any of the others folks who made up the sold-out showing I attended. They burst into spontaneous applause several times during the film: they applauded when Venom made his first onscreen appearance, when he bit of his first head. They applauded when Stan Lee made his cameo. They applauded at the conclusion of Woody Harrelson’s cameo when he, wild-eyed and staring into the camera, promised “carnage.” And at the conclusion of the movie they didn’t just applaud. They whooped and cheered. Loudly. I joined in. Not one person in that theater left unsatisfied. We all had a great time. Yet the mainstream critics tell us the movie is crap and that we should stay home.

Friends, we simply no longer have any NEED for “professional” movie critics. It is time to take that sad old nag out behind the barn and put it down. It would be an act of mercy. We need to put it out of our misery.

The Evil Cheezman • October 12, 2018

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