FOURTEEN DAYS AGO: NEW MOON A man and woman copulated behind the glass of a television screen, its maladjusted color-setting giving their skins an orange tint. The woman, on her knees, took it from behind, her face on the carpet, her large breasts spread beneath her like cushions, bleached hair spilling over her head as…Continue readingTHERIOPHOBIA: FEAR THE BEAST Chapter Two
Sounds like the name of a business, doesn’t it? “Satan’s Steed and Topiary”? If you follow horseracing—I don’t—then you already know that a horse named Justify won some pennant or something. I don’t care. I’m only mentioning it because I found out that the thoroughbred—that’s what you call these horses, right? Thoroughbreds? I don’t know…Continue readingSatan’s Steed and Topiary
I’m not talking about the lackluster movie starring Jason Bateman, a sequel to the silly but fun TEEN WOLF, which starred Michael J. Fox. They tried to be clever and title the sequel TEEN WOLF, TOO after Fox refused to reprise his role from the first one (either because he just hated the movie or…Continue readingAnother Teen Wolf, Too
It’s one of those tropes that everyone knows: silver bullets kill werewolves. Only silver bullets. It’s as ubiquitous as the full moon thing. Yet like the belief that werewolves could only transform on nights when the moon is full, the connection between werewolves and silver is of modern vintage. Scouring the folklore of centuries past,…Continue readingThe Connection Between Werewolves and Silver
A couple of weeks ago, I attended the Buford Pusser Festival in Adamsville, Tennessee. While I would hope that everyone reading this article would recognize that name, Buford Pusser, I understand that, for some of you younger folks, that might not be the case. While I could never in a single article manage to encapsulate…Continue readingDavid Harbour Would Walk Tall
Lawd have mercy. Last week, I posted an article on this chick I know who is all kinds of batshit, who believes she is under attack from demons but who has some “essential oil” to ward the demons off and prevent them possessing her. I was just being flippant. I posted it because I thought…Continue readingDemon-Possessed Essential Oil
It must be tough to be a “Social Justice Warrior.” Note my use of quotation marks here. This is to designate the difference between any person concerned about social concerns—and frankly, social justice should be a primary concern of any compassionate, intelligent person in this day and age—and those cliché-ridden, self-important types who spend so…Continue readingThe Pulps Are Dead. Long Live The Pulps!
As promised last week, peeps, here is the opening salvo of my original werewolf novel. Give it a paragraph or two. If you aren’t impressed, skip it. But I think you’re gonna dig it. All material is copyright 2018 by me. Feel free to share it ad nauseam, just please credit me as the author.…Continue readingTHERIOPHOBIA: FEAR THE BEAST Chapter One
That sure didn’t take long. Weren’t they predicting it would take months? Somebody put a rush on this one. What was it, week before last that I was reporting on the mysterious animal shot and killed by a rancher in Montana, an animal that didn’t look like a regular wolf? It was spurring all sorts…Continue reading“Werewolf” Identified
I don’t even know if the auction is still going on. I think it is. But I’m covering it anyway because I want to share some of the cool goodies with you, the stuff that is, or was, available for online purchase at this site here. Like the picture above, for example. How sweet is…Continue readingKurtzman’s Stuff
I was disappointed with the movie RAMPAGE when I finally got around to watching it. I loved the monsters, though. In fact it was because I loved the monsters, because I am always going to love the monsters, that I judged RAMPAGE so harshly. A movie can be a cheesefest. I’m fine with that. Sometimes…Continue readingRalph, the Rampaging Mutant Wolf
Okay, that monster deserves its own damn movie! Some Horror fans loved ANNIHILATION and some found it a bit too much of an acquired taste, but nobody with any sensibility can argue against the effectiveness of the film’s true star, the monster bear. For those who haven’t seen ANNIHILATION, there’s this thing—actually more of a…Continue readingThe Nightmare Beast of ANNIHILATION
I had this crazy dream once. It came true. Alternately, I was a dismal failure. The dream was to make my living as a writer. I am doing that, slowly but surely. I’m not bursting onto the scene in a flash and bang, the way I had hoped, but little by little the fire is…Continue readingPreparing the way for THERIOPHOBIA
Attention, all TWIN PEAKS fans and non-fans alike. Something occurred to me the other day that I feel I need to share with you. Fans already know that Agent Dale Cooper ventured into the Black Lodge, a parallel dimension filled with both benevolent (or at least morally ambiguous) and sinister entities back in 1991. He…Continue readingDoppelCoop and the Showgirls
Have you ever heard of an “essential oil”? I had, but I didn’t know much about it, about them. I knew they were supposed to smell good. I looked it up, and the “official” definition goes something like this: “An essential oil is an all-natural, volatile aromatic compound derived from a plant.” What does “volatile”…Continue readingDemon-Chasin’ Essential Oil
You definitely want to give him a gentle squeeze while he’s still in his “Polliwog” form. Don’t wait until he grows into a Demo-Dog, or a fully-formed Demogorgon. Then he would probably rip your arm off. If he’s still a Polliwog, the worst that could happen is that you might lose a finger. (Or a…Continue readingSqueeze Your Own Baby Dart
Here’s the basic order of evolution, for those of you who weren’t paying attention in high school biology class. It goes from fish to amphibians to reptiles to birds and mammals. Thanks to the JURASSIC PARK movies we all know that dinosaurs evolved into birds. But there was also a point where coldblooded reptiles made…Continue readingThe Missing Link
There are good ideas and then there are bad ideas. This strikes me as belonging to the latter. There are talks about doing a second season of THE TERROR. This would be problematic enough if taken at face value. Sure, there are numerous ways in which the titular Monster could be resurrected. Monsters NEVER stay…Continue readingA Second Season of THE TERROR?
Last week I was reporting on the apprehension of the Golden State Killer, an old man who got busted after his DNA, or the DNA of a relative, turned up on one of those online genealogy websites. What puzzled me about the case was that the guy had stopped his killing spree in the mid-80s,…Continue readingWhen Serial Killers Get Better
It’s always nice when I see werewolves popping up in random places. Take the new commercial warning folks of the dangers of not getting vaccinated against whooping cough, which features an anthropomorphic wolf cradling a vulnerable baby. You would be forgiven if you assumed the commercial was created on behalf of the government, but a…Continue readingThe Big Bad Cough
If you’ve watched the classic drive-in masterpiece THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK, you’re going to recognize the name Crabtree. Julius E. “Smokey” Crabtree was just a regular small town dude until he was hired by writer-director Charles B. Pierce to serve as a consultant and guide for the filming of the movie. Smokey and his…Continue readingRemembering Smokey Crabtree
I agree with that guy from CABIN IN THE WOODS, who wanted to see the merman but was sadly disappointed (until he wasn’t). I think we need more mer-people in Horror as a whole. Yeah, either that or I’m still a toddler in my cerebral development and I can be distracted by shiny things. This…Continue readingRussian Mermaid From Hell
I guess I should be asking, DID you watch Monster Week, since by the time you are reading this it is likely that Monster Week will be at least partially over. What exactly is “Monster Week”? It’s Animal Planet’s version of Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, a week of monster and cryptid-related programming airing on that…Continue readingAre You Watching MONSTER WEEK?
It’s official. Funko is certifiably the coolest company in existence. Perhaps the coolest company in the history of the human race. It’s even conceivable that it is the coolest company since the Big Bang occurred, creating the Universe some 14 billion years ago. Yes, Funko is THAT cool. Don’t believe me? Need some evidence? Ask…Continue readingFunko’s Cereal Killers
This is gonna be one of those incidents where we have to wait for the DNA evidence to come in, and when it does we’re probably all gonna be disappointed. But the animal shot and killed by a rancher in Montana recently sure LOOKS weird. It doesn’t look like a wolf. It doesn’t look like…Continue readingWerewolf Killed In Montana?!