Our Ancestors Were Freaks
Admit it, you’ve always wanted to know how our pre-human ancestors had sex. Wonder no longer; your curiosity is about to be satisfied! They did it like gorillas. How do we know? Footprints, that’s how. No, you perverts, the fossil prints (some 3 ½ million years old) discovered in Tanzania can’t tell us what position the AUSTRALOPITHECUS AFARENSIS used. But based on the size of the tracks, scientists believe they are the tracks of a large male and several smaller females. Just like a pack or gorillas! (Is a group of gorillas a “pack”? A “tribe”? In the Tarzan novels, they’re called tribes, so let’s go with that.) Our ape ancestors may have copied gorillas where their social structure was concerned, but I suspect they were far more akin to chimpanzees as far as aggression and a propensity for violence was concerned.
This puts me in mind of that inane Bruno Mars song called “Gorilla.” You remember it. The singer boasts about his sexual conquests. “You and me, baby, makin’ love like gorillas!” Somebody needs to tell Bruno that the penis of an adult gorilla is only about an inch long, and coitus between males and females typically lasts less than a minute. In other words, when Bruno croons “You and me, baby, makin’ love like gorillas!” it isn’t necessarily something he should feel the need to brag about.