How to Feed a Werewolf
Where to start? If you have a loved one who happens to be a werewolf, you may question yourself as to what you might feed them. This can lead to big problems; carrying off a neighbor’s dog, or cat, and even being eaten yourself. A starving werewolf is nothing to play around with. So I’ve put together some menu options for your werewolf’s diet. And remember people, portion control is very important. Those calories don’t just disappear when you transform into a human being.
Meats, Poultry, Fish
We’ll get into selection here in just a moment; what we want to focus on first, is preparation. You can’t just give a werewolf something full of bones, skin, fur, and teeth. It will choke, not to mention, the person inside that werewolf won’t be able to digest those things later. The meats listed below are the most economical; unless for some reason, you’re able to procure, safely and inconspicuously, an entire cow, you won’t be asking “where’s the beef?” Also, invest in a meat grinder; all the pointy things in smaller animals, are easily ground up, making it easy to feed your werewolf without killing your loved ones.
Rabbits & Rats – Cheap as snake feed, all you have to do with these, are skin them and pop them into your meat grinder. And no one will ask inconvenient questions at the pet store, because they’re commonly bought for snakes to eat. And, if you only show up once a month, the chances are, no one will notice anything out of the ordinary. You might get a different cashier every time.
Deer – Deer are a surplus in the US; they’re hunted, but not nearly enough. If deer are in season, learn to clean them, and you have all the meat you’ll need for a werewolf. Hell, there might even be some leftovers for you. And a family of eight. And with the large bones, you won’t have to worry about choking hazards.
Fresh Caught Fish – A less likely choice, because you’ll have to fillet every fish to avoid feeding your werewolf any bones by accident. And you may want to cook them to eliminate the risk of any bacteria or parasites in the fish as well.
Chicken – Although chickens are a cheap option, and healthy, they come with their own set of risks. Despite the common mistake of getting chickens and feeding them whole to a werewolf, this simply won’t do. You’re going to have to clean and carve the bird first. Any dog owner will tell you: chicken bones + dog = death. Werewolves are no exception.
I don’t think I need to tell anyone not to give a werewolf beer, or soda. Clearly, caffeine, or other behavior altering beverages, and a 200 pound killing machine with no morals, do not mix well. Water is the best route, but even with water, you have to be careful. Do I expect you to go out and spend a ridiculous amount of money of spring water? Of course not. Leave a large metal washtub or feed basin out for your werewolf with tap water in it. Water from the great outdoors is host to bacteria, parasites, and other creepy crawlies that might come back later to haunt your already accursed loved one.
Above all else, avoid giving your werewolf these things, to which most of the canine species displays allergic reaction to:
- Grapes, Currants, Raisins
And if you want to be especially considerate, you’ll cook all your werewolf’s meat, –or make sure it’s properly sanitized. Bacteria in raw meat can do a lot of damage, and so can some of the parasites that come with them!